learning to fly

2008-10-12T22:23:00.010+09:00

One life - To Live and Love

I m back as I promised ..( Not very sure if anyone bothers about that any more ... ! ) within a month ... or two or three.. or a bit more . May be I m late.. better late than never .. :)

Only significant change that s happened , which has changed my life in last few months is that I got a braodband . Good bye to reliance data card... Only thing they were prompt about was in disconnecting within a day if bill was not paid ..( which happened to me all the time for various reasons) .

Ok.. As usual , I start my post keeping something in mind and am heading somewhere else. Now that I ve realised it , I ll try to stick to what I wanted to post .

Inspite of being a doctor , I ve not posted much on my professional experiences . Many times I ve thought about various incidences or experiences and wanted to post. But when I sit for it , I dont feel like , sometimes because I dont want to think and go through some of them again . They hurt . Sometimes , when I try to put down , I dont feel the same way I felt about them earlier. They dont hurt .. or may be ( read it as definately ) there are few things , to which I ve become immune as a doctor. I feel some of you may think I m very bad .. If so , let me know , just because I want to know.

I know , I m not a bad doctor . May not be the best one around too.. But I know my patients pain , problems they face during diagnosis, treatment and after that . I try beyond my level to make things better... . With time , I m becoming more understanding towards their needs. In turn , it has helped me improve too as a person . But at the same time , somewhere I learnt not to carry all these with me all the time ... I learnt that I must take the positive side of this profession , where I get to interact with so many people , get the joy of helping so many , and get to learn so much about medicine and life beyond it .. ( Plus make some money too ... in case anyone thinks I m working for free... I am not ) . I must not let the negative aspects of sufferings , depressoins , hopelessness affect me beyond a limit. If I carry all of that with me , it doesnt make anything better for anyone. There is only one life to live ..and to love . And we never know how much time we have .. or others have ...

I dont know how many ( of those few who read this ) can relate with me in this ..

One of my colleague recently got his sister to hospital, who was married 7 months ago. She was just 28 . What started as small pain in the abdomen and uneasiness was finally diagnosed as cancer in the stomach wall, which had spread to the ovaries , making it last stage cancer. She will die within a year .

Everyone was shocked. It s always disturbing to see such things or explain to someone the outcome of such conditions. It s a bit more disturbing when it happens to someone around u. This colleague is a very playful person , talkative and still child like. Suddenly in a matter of 3 days , his life changed forever. I hope he regains himself with time.

First person I felt bad for was her husband . Depending on how bonded he and she were in last 7 months of their marital life, I felt it could be a big blow to him.. or he might just get over it and remarry some time later. If you have ever loved someone , you ll know what I m talking about when I say , the partner is the one who will get affected most. May be otherwise too u might know ... depends on your mindset. I know many may not feel so. One of my colleague said, the good thing about the whole issue was that she did nt have any kids ... What nonsense..!!! What s good about anything in such matters? Everything is bad ... desperate condition . I think the person who made this comment has never loved anyone ..or may be he meant something else but he said it that way.

As I sit and type this , my philosophical side of mind knows what I m talking about. But my other side ( materialistic side ? ) is as always planning lot of things like tomorrow s lunch , Deepawali holidays , Hampi trip and so many more dreams .... ( Dont expect any post on these trips for next 6 months ....) . It has all plans for long life and lasting love .. because whatever said and done , hope for them is the key for happiness...

Today my brain is overflowing with lots of philosophical thoughts. I m forcibly putting an end to them , as I feel my brain needs some rest now ( likely to extend anywhere between 3 to 6 months..that makes it next year ? Happy new year in Advance to all of you ... ) .

Till then Enjoy maadi and live and love a lot :) ...

2008-06-02T23:51:00.006+09:00

Surprise Post !

Tomorrow is an other day .. like any other day .. But it s not as usual as it was yesterday or is today for me .. Tomorrow is a new beginning for me .. And it s a déjà vu feeling … where I reached one more cross road .. and had to take any one of the path .. Where there is no return once I start …

From past what I ve realized is , I have to take one path and no matter what happens tomorrow , I should be ready to face , instead of repenting that I should have taken the other path .. So it was not tough this time . I ve just listened to my heart and have taken the path .. and the journey begins tomorrow …. ( it s begun as I m posting it late by one day )

I must mention that the journey till this has been an eye opener to me . Coming to Bangalore was for only one personal reason. Otherwise my interest in this place was minimal. The same reason keeps me going great , wherever I go for that matter ….. so no complaints. If I ve gained professionally it s a bonus….

Somehow I had a kind of “not too involved emotionally to my work “ attitude… But that doesn’t mean, that I didn’t work .. I worked ( hard enough that I didn’t find time or energy and motivation to update my blog , or go for tailor shop in last 16 months , due to which I have acute shortage of wearable clothes !! Funny but true …I don’t know any good tailor in Bangalore .. and the one recommended by my friend is 15 km from my place .. it so happens that I get so pre occupied with various things , that I don’t find 4 hours in the evening ( remember I need all 4 hours on the same day to travel ) , so that I can go and get things done from that tailor. .. Those who have seen the traffic in Richmond circle will know what I mean ).

On a serious note , only when we work and test our potential , we get the confidence , and the realization as to what we can do , and where to stop . I agree, some don’t stop. That s when problem starts. Whatever said and done, it s true that without professional satisfaction, one can not be happy personally and vise versa. I m sure everyone agrees with this point. Anyone has any other take on this ? I doubt …

Inspite of everything , I never failed to find time to watch my favourite F1 races, almost all the time .And everyday slept not less than 8 hours. Well, matter of priorities I guess. Not to forget, I went to gym couple of hours every week , which happens to be my new found interest . I m glad those who read ( if any … ) my blog ( If updated ) have no idea why am I gymming … good for me …Also I cooked and ate at home everyday . Ok.. I think I m getting obsessed about health ..

Whatever, I m just trying to give a false impression on how busy I was / am .... Fact is I was just adjusting to Bangalore (whatever it means to anyone. I cant explain, it s beyond words) May be I m slow in adapting … But really .. what s the big deal about Bangalore...What s my problem here I have nt been able to figure out .. It s an other place which happens to be geographically located here . Probably there is nothing to do with adjustment . It s my mental block .. But this is what happened . .. And only today suddenly I feel I m completely adjusted ( still I plan to go back after 10 years !!! Some dreams are worth dreaming about ..arent they ? ) So here comes my post … straight out of my mind and heart ( that explains why is it so senseless ! ) .

Anyways all my repressed thoughts of last 8 months are trying to break away and come out of my temporal lobes … So I m concluding this mega post here , with my mid year resolutions ..…

1. Atleast one post a month in the blog
2. Atleast one trip a month
3. Not more than one fight a month ( there s only one person whom I fight with , so others need not note this point ) ..and atleast one fight a month
4. Not to miss gym more than once a month ( atleast once I can miss !!!! )

5. Last and the most important - Keep adjusting ( 10 more years only ..)

Well.. Till I post next , hopefully within a month ...............................................................
Enjoy maadi …

2007-08-15T14:02:00.000+09:00

Independence - 60

One great aspect of our country is thousands of years of glorious history . Anything about India , be it our independence , heritage , culture , any regional language , it has a great history behind . Our flag is no exception . Check out here ..

http://flagspot.net/flags/in-hist.html#1906

http://www.flagfoundationofindia.in/

Is'nt it great to be an Indian ?

Regards to every Indian on 60 th Independence Day :)
Enjoy maadi

2007-07-14T15:06:00.000+09:00

(Not so ) Histori Trip II

If anyone finds the above pictures interesting , they are encouraged to go further down . I was so fascinated by similar pictures many many years ago as a kid and wanted to go there , and fulfilled my dream recently.

As busy me ( u can read it as lazy me … But I really am not getting enough time to do what I want to …. ) has no time to pen down the details of my not so historic trip to Kodachadri , I thought of atleast putting some photos instead... ( and ended up with so much of details !! )

No words would suffice to describe the beauty of that place … And these pictures are not even half as beautiful as the place really is . Refreshing , nature at its best , exciting and lots more… which I suggest you all to visit and experience yourself ..

Kodachadri is a mountain peak in western Ghats , near temple town Kollur.
( From Kollur , you can either hire a jeep , till Karekatte on Bangalore - Kollur Road. From here you can walk for 12 km to Ullur on mud road and start the trek up for around 6 kms . Other option is to go till Ullur by jeep for Rs 500 , and start the trek after a tea or bonda water ( tender coconut water ) at Kaka s Hotel . We chose the second option as we started from Kollur at 11 am on suday and wanted to reach the peak before sunset . One more option for lazy bums is to take jeep till mountain top ( 40 km roundabout journey )

There s no definite route to the peak. What looks like a way made by water stream during rains is the route taken for the trek . We carried lots of water, and bread and biscuits. Some of the members who strongly opposed carrying food items were the ones who ate most !!! Looking back , I think we should have carried some juices instead of food , as water was not enough to prevent dehydration. As it was during mid summer , we didn’t carry any heavy clothings . Just one extra dress.

It can not be called as a difficult trek, but it s tiring and strenuous. It s uphills all the way and is steep and slippery at places. Initial half of the trek was in the woods and the rest was in kind of an open place , where we walked on the edge of small peaks . If one falls from the edge , it s a feast for the tigers down in the forests ( Mookambika forest is protected and there are more than ten tigers and black panthers !! ) . View of the forest down , and many small and big peaks surrounding the valley is very beautiful .

After taking several breaks , we reached the top by 4 pm , just as had planned. The first house as you land there will be of nagesh bhatta s . There s facility ( ??? ) for stay and food.( stay Rs 25 per person , food will be around 20 rs ) After drinking some buttermilk in his place , seeing the place we decided against staying there in the night. We thought of staying at Sarvajna Peetha , which is again 2 km trek up to the peak. So we paid him 100 Rs and took some rice , Saambar, and water . Bhatta was too disappointed as we decided not to stay there.

After walking a bit further we realized our mistake , as we saw much cleaner house of one more bhatta ( cant remember his name ) and one PWD guest house.

We started our climb to sarvajna peetha,( 1840 feet from sea level ) where Shankaracharya had meditated way back in 8 th century.

The route is heavenly .. really !!! As we climbed uphill , we were literally surrounded by clouds and could nt see beyond few feet. We walked up on the narrow edge where it was difficult to concentrate on the route as we were lost enjoying the refreshing clouds. Once we reached the peak , all we could see or rather feel in all direction were clouds.

Walk in the cloulds !

As sun started to set , we were a bit disappointed as to we could nt see the sun setting in to Arabian sea at the horizon due to these clouds. But the colorful clouds , forming different shapes and layers everywhere was a visual treat anyways. We later learnt that in this season , one rarely gets to see the sunset .

We abandoned our plan to spend the night in the peak as we didn’t have enough water and food. Also rice and sambar given by bhatta had become inedible by then. we walked down to the PWD guest house to try our luck . And we were lucky … out of 2 rooms , one was vacant and we occupied it . It s a well maintained (except unwashed bed sheets which had turned brown and yellow and smelly too … ..yuckkkk ! ) big room , with 4 cots and a clean attatched bath room . We were served good hot dinner .

PWD guset house

Next early morning , after a good cup of tea , we climbed up the peak again and enjoyed the views without clouds.

View from PWD guest house

From the other side of the peak , we got down through a steep way to a place called chithramoola , which is a water source . There s a small rocky cave , and we saw a lady and a man , meditating there. This rock faces the open space towards Arabian sea .

From there, we returned to our guest house, had a good breakfast , and went to Agasthya theertha, which is a water source .There s always water trickling through the rocks , and forms a small pond near Bhatta s house. It was noon by then .We gave a quick visit to the temples there and started our way back .

Getting down was tougher than we thought it would be, as it was difficult to balance ourselves at places because of the slope.

Couple of our gang members (including me ) lost their way down for some time and all managed to reach kaka s shop by 3.30 pm . The jeep was ready for us there as we had called him from the guest house. After filling our stomach in kollur , we started to Maniapl with one of our friends parents who had come to visit Mookambika temple .

And our memorable trip ended with all of us parting in Manipal. Thanks to our new camera , we could at least capture the memories to some extent.

Map - courtesy- bhagawatha

We were told that during Novemebr – February , the place is greener, cooler and one can see sun setting in the horizon of Arabian sea from the peak. So I m planning to go there again during that time just for that ... Anyone interested??? I will be your guide also .. !! Till ten enjoy maadi ..

2007-04-16T00:50:00.000+09:00

Historic Trip I - Yana

As there is nothing new or interesting I m doing nowadays except my work ... I keep going back in time space every now and then , thinking of putting up a post in my blog (which is overdue ) on my Yana trip. ( one tag , tagged twice is also pending ..will have to do next ) So here it is…

If you haven’t heard , what /where Yana is, it s a remote place in the heart of forests of Western ghats. Nearest town from here is Kumta ( around 30 km , Karwar District ). It is known for some natural rock formations and caves.
One has to have determination , love for nature to enjoy this place. If not , better not visit this place !!

It was more than a year ago , probably in October 2005 our ( historic !!! ) trip started to yana on a sunny day . Thanks to some lazy souls , who got up only at 8 am and we left manipal at 9.30. The journey was not so good ( rather was bad ) as condition of NH 17 we traveled was at its worst . But it was compensated by beautiful views all the way to Yana.

Maravanthe Beach near Kundapura

River Haladi near Kundapura

It was my second trip there. So I was the guide this time. Earlier an year ago , I had been there on bike, and we went upto the foothills that time. This time was different though. We went in 2 cars . As it was still rainy season , after getting into the interior mud road to Yana , we were unable to drive further. Before this point we saw some isolated houses, one tea shop and couple of bikes returning. It was past noon by then. We decided to start walking . I was not sure how far is the walk. Very soon , one by one our group members got tired and only 4 of us were walking. Other 5 went back and slept in the car ! lazy souls ...

Our walk started here

To make things more exciting and challenging ( those who backed out will not agree with this ) it started raining heavily. If you have ever seen the rains in ghats , you will know what I mean by heavy rains. Within no time we were drenched fully. And soon muddy too ! We didn’t encounter a single person till we reached the foothills. To be frank , i was feeling a bit eerrie throughout :)

Just before the pouring started !

The brave four ... ( taken while returning )

Atlast , after around 6 or 7 km , suddenly at a turn we were at the foothills and facing tall rock peaks. The view is breathtaking. One can not imagine or explain it . You have to see to believe it . The tallest peak is called Bhairaveshwara shikhara, and stands 120 meters high. Next one is called Mohini shikhara. This was supposed to be the the place where Lord Vishnu made Demon Bhasmasura turn into ashes.There is a small temple and a water stream at the foothills. We climbed up the stairs , going into the cave between the rocks, came out from the other end of cave. Except pujary of the temple , whole place was deserted .

Rock peak I

Rock peak II

Rains had stopped by then and it was getting darker. With this background and sounds from wild increasing , the place had started looking mysterious and scary. With no delay , we started walking back. It took less time now to walk or probably we felt so because we knew the distance , and it had stopped raining. Our friends were waiting for us in the cars and needless to add here they were extremely bored . We had planned to go to beach on the way back. Though we couldn’t go to beach , the extra clothes we carried were of help. We had to get rid of blood sucking leeches from our feet and legs also.

It was 8 pm when we started , and we had dinner at Kumta. I don’t have to mention here that we all HOGGED !! After that all I remember is sitting in the car and getting up in Manipal !!! The bad roads ,rains , my friends rash driving , nothing disturbed the sleep.

Overall it was a memorable trip ….trek in heavy rains , the place ,the arguments we had whether to return midway or walk … Due to rains , we could nt capture many photos , still my friend managed to take few.

Today after more than a year , most of us have left manipal , and we dont know if we ll ever meet again . I m glad I have the memories of those times in these photos and in this blog. I want them to read and refresh their memories in this blog whenever they want to ......ofcourse others too are welcome .

So till I get back with details of our other historic trips, you all have a great time and enjoy maadi. Knowing my frequency of updatin my blog , that gives you a month or two :)

( p.s. I prepared this draft almost a month ago ..but couldnt publish it , as i could nt upload the snaps properly.Irrespective of wherever I tried to put them , they were getting uploaded before the begining of text.. So this time , I uploaded the snaps first , and added the text in between . Took a long time to complete it . Can anyone help me with this ? )

2007-02-03T15:00:00.000+09:00

All is right !!

Before I got lost getting frustrated with busy life in bangalore , I woke up ...

What I am trying to say here is , with everyday spending more than an hour in travelling , working more than earlier days... and sleeping a lot lesser ( or is it getting up early ! ? ) than ever had made me mad for many days ... To make things worse I found myself in a mess with my closest relations too ...

I think when we start thinking negative on one aspect of our life, every other thing start going in the same way !! And I was doing just that ... What was the precipitating factor I dont know ..but atlast evrything was interrelated ... and nothing was going right ....

How and when I realised that it s not doing any good to me , I dont know . But I did ..... and it feels great to know it and come out of it !!!! At the end of it , I feel better, stronger , and more stable ..

Everything looks so easy , simple as long as it s not happening with us. And we take it for granted that some things never happen in our life. But once things change , and everyone around us behave differently towards us , whole perception of life changes. That s where we go wrong .Thats where I went wrong.

Keeping the same spirit , being able to enjoy the gifts of life as before is the trick to face the changes . I realised it slowly , and I m so glad to realise it . And now even i try to put down what thoughts had come to me when i was down , my mind is not allowing me for it . That s positivity ..i think :) .

Anyways ,I just wanted to get back to blogging ... though not with all these weird thoughts of mine . But as i said earlier, cant force any better thoughts now to put down here . Hopefully will get back soon with some sensible thoughts . Infact i wanted to post on my last years trips with my friends .... may be next post will be on that. Exclusively for my friends .... Till then enjoy maadi .. :)

I look behind and after

And find that all is right

In my deepest sorrows

there is a soul of light !!

( Swami Vivekananda )

2006-11-12T01:04:00.000+09:00

I m alive !!!!!

It s more than a month I put down my sane and insane thoughts here. Not that I was too busy getting myself adjusted in new place. I just didn’t have enough time on the net to do so. I missed reading other blogs, commenting, and updating my blog. Many a times during these days of uncertainties, I ve felt like putting down my thoughts to feel better. But now when I start to type,, they are refusing to come out of me..... They want not to be exposed... Atleast for the time being... and I too feel that some thoughts and memories are better left hidden... some of the things are never going to change anyways ... so better to leave them as they are ... ...

Anyways before I get into more insane thoughts and get carried away , I better put down some thoughts which are ready to come out of me ...and spare you all from more mental trauma .....So how about my observations on some of the peculiar things about Bangalore? .... You are free to comment if you don’t agree with them...

1.There are no cats in Bangalore (back in Manipal, I had them as pets, 3 of them ... and may be because I miss them, this was my first observation. I guess it s because there is no enough place for them )

2.Auto rickshaws are not for public help, but it s vise versa. ( If I happen to leave hospital after 8 pm , the auto drivers are never ready to come to my place , they ll come only to majestic ... )

3.Walking on the footpaths is dangerous to life. ( Time is so precious you see, many bikers not wanting to waste time in the signals , go right on the footpath to go ahead . Government should implement law for compulsory helmets for people walking also )

4.Some of the city busses are pink. I had heard and read about them before, and now I saw them too. For obvious reasons, I feel they should start pink autos, pink drivers, and even pink roads, where it ll be so cool to walk around without keeping an eye around.

5.It is no more a garden city according to me. I saw few big trees here and there, that s all . The gardens on the roadsides seemed less green and dry.

6.Kannadigas are an epitome of tolerance ... :) I better not explain this more. May be I shouldn’t put this point... Anyways I ve already put it.

7.It s common not to even know your next door neibour... ( ..May be it s better not to know them at times!!! )

Whatever it is, with a very short duration of time spent in Bangalore, I enjoyed watching 2 movies every week, that too in theatres. My poor eyes and ears had almost forgotten the effect of big screen and sound systems. Now they will serve me better for this favour... though the couple of movies which are remakes could have been better avoided.

Well... As I m going back to Bangalore tomorrow, I know I wont be on the net again for few weeks. I ll again be lost with myself , my work , my thoughts ..And my lot of other things..... Don’t know for how long. (Insane thoughts start to come up again .... indication to conclude ...)

So Till I get back take care and enjoy maadi :)

2006-09-28T12:52:00.000+09:00

Heart says so ....new begining

Last few weeks have been a bit lazy also busy at the same time. Lazy because I really did nothing much ..otherthan routine hospital work . Busy because I still dint have enough time to post in my blog , check my mail or orkut ( which is blocked anyways in our hospital server for long time now !!!! ) or did nt do lot of other things which have to be done before I get my relieving order from here… yes … after having made up my mind to go with what my heart says , I finally put my resignation papers . And now all set to go from here (Yet to clean up my chamber, cup boards, and throw away some things, give away some things, ...) , I ve been busy making a list of things to do before leaving …..people whom I want to meet and say Bye …. Things to be sorted out …etc etc etc …..

It s tough leaving a place where you feel at home and feel comfortable. More over, after growing up in a small village and town , and staying in manipal for last few years which is also a very beautiful place to live in , the feeling of shifting to a city like Bangalore, which I feel is overcrowded , and a concrete jungle in most of the parts is not very exciting to me . And the traffic sucks there.

Humhhhh… where will I get to hear birds when I get up in the morning …what will happen to my cute cats waiting for me to get up in the morning and also my returning in the evening to feed them …. How often can I go Home to see my parents and cousins …. Will I ever be confident to take my activa on Bangalore roads ….? Am I doing a mistake by quitting and going for a lesser salary? How will be my new place? I ll miss going home on weekends , my hospital , my professors , colleagues , friends and patients there ….. and my laptop which I have to return tomorrow .. .. What will happen to my blog ? Will I ever post again ? ….Right now my brain is overfilled with questions and doubts on everything…. Where will I be staying in Bangalore ? I have some dislikes towards houses which don’t have trees around.. especially atleast few coconut trees around ….without gardens , well, some pets …. ( May be because at home , we have so many trees, coconut, mango , papaya , sapota … guava, cashew etc , plus 4 wells , 5 dogs, n number of cats , few cows , my mother s garden full of flowering plants …at times some wild animals and birds too …. ) Will I get a peaceful surrounding atleatst to sleep whenever I want to …. ???? Time will answer all of them , soon .

Anyways, otherthan anything, I strongly dislike traffic and extreme cold in winters… ooofffff…. I cant move during winters there . So I staying somewhere near to my hospital in Bangalore should solve the traffic problem to some extent …( still unlike Manipal , reaching hospital in 4 and a half minutes is impossible I guess …. Will have to sacrifice my sleep *@#* … ) …and as far as cold weather is concerned ..I have no idea what I can do other than waiting for summer ..... Why do I have such strong likes or dislikes towards few things ……… Wish I was more adaptive and just adjust … Or may be not adaptive at all and just reject what I don’t want to do and come out of it …( I remember Ajeya s recent post on human nature of adapting for the sake of it . It just is nt our true nature I feel … ) .

However , as it s too early to break my head all those aspects , I m enjoying last few days here….attending farewell parties ,outings with friends etc….. Will miss lot of things , but I m trying to accept that I have to go . I m learning to get ready to face the unknown. Changes are inevitable, good or bad. Hope for better is what excites me to take this new road. Faith in myself is what tells me to go ahead. Rest is not in my hand ( I believe in destiny ……which is beyond human attempts ) As I said earlier , time will answer.

The funniest part of this whole post is , at the end of it I m finding this whole post silly. The thoughts which come across the mind are millions, and only few hundred thoughts are remembered after they fade . And after typing so much, I just don’t want to delete these thoughts. I m really lazy to edit them again ….. I don’t know what you could perceive out of it … To take life as it comes is what I want to do ……That s it …simple… is nt it ???

2006-09-08T22:01:00.000+09:00

A retrospective ...

As a doctor, kind of patients I see everyday are not the same types most other doctors see and treat …. At the same time, not many others get so involved with their patients as do I get to, wantingly or unwantingly... .knowingly or unknowingly ….

For quite sometime, I ve been thinking of putting up a post on some of my day to day hospital life. But didn’t get into right kind of mood to do so.

Having done my specialization in oncology, invariably I face some situations which I would not want to if I was not in this profession. (Am I being too technical …? Or rather too medical..? J Oncology deals with cancer)

As a fresh MBBS graduate I was a lot impressed by one of our professor in Mangalore working in cancer department. When I chose this branch, I was discouraged by many. I was told that I will have to see lot of patients with pain, incurable disease, and deal in desperate conditions. And I thought, I m there or not, the condition remains as it is ….. So why run away, just because I might be unable to see so much of sufferings... So not really knowing what lies ahead, I went ahead. Real picture was as it was told to me...or worse.

I remember I was so taken aback to see all patients in the ward having some cancer….They were in all age groups , youngest was one 10 years old girl ….with ovarian cancer. All types of cancers …Some incurable …counting their days … some on treatment …. It was shocking to me. I was surprised to see my seniors and others in the hospital , who looked indifferent to all this around them … !!!!! how could they be .. ( As undergraduates , in MBBS , we are very little exposed to these kinds of patients. What we see for learning purposes are common diseases, diagnosis and treatment. All patients are sick ,but these kind of really really sick are not taken for teaching/learning purposes. We learn very little about cancer )

Very soon I was demotivated still when I saw regularly people dying in front of me ,due to advanced disease…. especially young patients. At times, they even died due to treatment related side effects …I still remember most of them years after they ve died. Suddenly I was wondering why the hell I chose to be here… Why did I become a doctor at first place...? I was lost, and thought of even leaving the course. Long treatment for months, or at times for years, cost involved, psychological stress patient and family undergoes, social problems arising in these families …. What not …. I just didn’t know how to handle all these.

Slowly I started seeing the other side of this spectrum….

As days passed, I saw many patients treated earlier coming for check ups, who were leading normal life. They had fought cancer and won. And we are fortuned to play a major role in their fight. Many of the cancers can be cured and many more controlled with modern treatments. If not cure, at least their sufferings can be lessened to great extent. And I learnt to treat the patients not only for his/her disease, but as a whole, as a human being, trying to help them to cope with the disease, to let us try our best.

To summarize, working here, I realized that in today s fast lane life, not many get to help others even if they want to. And I m lucky that I get into a profession where making someone feel better is my all time work. Not only that, in this process I have rediscovered myself. The experiences in this place (which I definitely want to post separately sometime) have changed this immature insecure doctor into much more patient, more mature, more open and more caring person , which has helped me not only professionally, but to enhance my personal relations too. I have no regrets for choosing this today …. (Except for I don’t Have an off on Saturday!!!! #$&* life is not fair #***# L )

2006-09-03T02:28:00.000+09:00

Came across this beautiful picture of maravanthe in www.kundapura.com . Just couldnt resist putting up here .

As I go back to surf the net without getting disturbed ( that s because I m at home for weekend and thank God, my parents dont know orkutting , so the whole of PC , net etc etc are for myself alone ...for unlimited time , And I m just enjoying replying to mails in leisure, reading some kannada blogs too :) ) , You all enjoy a great weekend ... and Dont forget to plan to visit maravanthe soon ... before pralaya .. :)

2006-08-18T22:10:00.000+09:00

Extended weekend

It s friday today and I feel like it s Monday … not at all wanting to come for work … But had to , just to make some of the fellow doctors to feel less jealous about my extended weekend…

Was just thinking how last 5 days just flew…. And looking back I don’t know what did I do !!! well… best part was getting up late …goes without saying .. . And sad part is , that I had planned some small time trips to some places around , and they didn’t materialize , thanks to rains . Still we managed to go for a drive to Maravanthe on one rainy night . Rest of the time , i spent watching movies, going out with friends, enjoying the rains.

After having some real good food from Bittu da dhaba ,near Mulki on a rainy night on 14 th august , we decided to go for a drive. This place serves better vegetarian food than any other restaurant in Udupi, manipal or may be mangalore. Though maravanthe is just around 50 kms from here, we took more than one and a half hour due to bad roads . My dear friend who was driving the car was frustrated to the cores driving the all new esteem at 20 -40 speed. But the trip was worth .

I had been to that place probably more than 100 times …My home town Kundapura is just 20 km from there and Maravanthe was our favourite place to go every now and then. I remember my father taking us there on Sundays and play with us .

There is National highway 17 running in between Arabian sea on one side and river Sauparnika on the other side on a lower level than sea. The stretch of road is around one and a half km. One can either walk there taking in fresh air, enjoy the sunset sitting on the rocks or just go driving . It s usually not a very safe beach to get into deep waters or swim as the sea is rough throughout the year. Small tea shops facing and almost on the sea are not to be missed also . They serve really good tea.

If there is enough time, there is something else in this place which is interesting. There s Varaaha Swami ( Lord Vishnus incarnation ) temple , which I ve never seen or heard of anywhere else. It s a nice neat temple, facing the river.
There are three idols , Varaaha, Narasimha and Janardhana. From the temple side, there are boats available , both motor and man driven for ride. The charges are a bit high though. But it s a very beautiful ride in the boat where they take you around one of the islands.

I remember during last rains , the sea was so viloent that it the rocks put to prevent erosion were washed away at places .I ve heard my grandmother telling , that one day the high tide in sea will rise so high ,that it ll cross over the land in between ….and will flood the river and eventually whole place …and that day will be the end of the world … Pralaya … And when we had gone to see the sea last year , I thought what my grandmother told is nearing ... the end . But lucky us, it didn’t happen .. :) ..

Inspite of going there so many times, I had never been there at night. The whole picture was totally different in the night. Water shining in moonlight was giving some kind of eerie feeling, with big white waves charging towards the shore. Piles of rocks which were trying to further stop the waves didn’t seem enough as we standing on the road were getting sprinkled with sea water. We had to get back into the car as it started to rain. There is not a shop or a hotel for shelter after 8 pm for 2 km .
I was a bit disappointed as I couldn’t get to watch stars and moon because of clouds…. We returned to Manipal by midnight .On the way , near kundapur , we saw some guys dancing on the road to some latest hindipop , celebrating independence. Ofcourse, they were dead drunk. I thought if some freedom fighters saw that , they would definetely feel sorry for the sacrifice they made .....

I ve made a note in my near future planbook to make an other trip after sunset to this beautiful place Maravanthe with my friends ..and enjoy sitting on the rocks , watching the stars , listening to some great music .... Interested anyone .. :)

(Im not able to add images ... :( some problem ..and they are not going where i want them to !! *#@*..will try uploading later ... enjoy .. )

2006-08-10T20:09:00.000+09:00

Otherside of me

Learning is a process that starts from birth...or may be even before that in the womb. To breathe, cry, eat, walk, run, and so on … some learnt naturally for existence... and some like studying, experimenting, thinking, learning from mistakes …. for making the existence more meaningful.. and easier. We go to extremes to do everything to get knowledge, make more and more money , collect more and more things , ignore more and more responsibilities, avoid helping as much as possible…and so on …anything to make our life easier . Definitely it s not wrong to achieve materialistic success. Infact it s very important for a normal human being to achieve to certain extent to start feeling secure , and only when one is secure in feelings , can he or she think beyond it. No one is born enlightened!!! Even Buddha was not so. Great philosophers or thinkers have achieved and enjoyed the wealth and money and then have felt the emptiness in them and pursued eternal truth of life...…whatever it is … way beyond my capabilities as of now. But I definitely feel there is something more to our existence than what we know of ourselves now. Why are we just born, then grow, and live our life in some or the other way and then die one day? Lots of events happening in between …fights, friends, love, relationships, events, celebrations, success, failures, misery …. What not. Through out we learn to live through life. What is not learnt is when to stop this learning and start learning beyond this. I often wonder, if the creator has just made all these for nothing??? If so, then why has he added sufferings? He could have just made one happy life for everyone.

We usually spend our whole life trying to make improvements in certain aspects thinking those aspects are everything in life. I ve felt many times, only at the flag end does one realizes how wrong was he/she. !!! But the irony is , we (for example ,me !!! J ) think on all these so much , feel that we should be different than the maddening crowd…. …and still do nothing but nothing more than thinking about it …. I shall post this, and go back to my world, probably for a cup of tea, and you ll read it … think a bit...and may be comment on this...and return to your world (and hopefully not decided to stay away from my blog !!! )..…. End of the purpose of this blog ….. And cycle of life continues …mystery of purpose of life remains unknown. And we are stuck in an empty web ..forever..

(For those of you who know me well, don’t panic after reading this post. I m alright. For those who don’t me, you too don’t panic. I m confident I am normal. I started off with this post, keeping in mind few incidents, some of my experiences as a doctor, about my patients… I wanted to write about how my opinions and stands for some things have changed for good because of my patients…But as I continued , my thoughts started to go in another direction out of control ....and I didn’t want to stop them . I have to confess...I do get philosophical thoughts and I think a lot..... But then who doesn’t …?)

2006-08-02T02:01:00.000+09:00

Heart or Mind ?

It s been a week I m not able to decide on something very important . Till now my life is like I am walking on a path and waiting for a deviation to come, which I would take happily to reach my destination. And all of a sudden I see two deviations almost in same directions . Humhhhhh.... now it s a tough decision to take ....

My heart says take any one..it doesnt matter.My mind says dont take either, walk further on the same road you are walking now.... For obvious reasons , I want to listen to heart , as I know both roads are not bad at all ..but the question is on long run will i repent ? I m not scared of obstacles on the way as long as I reach where i want to ..Not necessarily professionally ..but my overall satisfaction ....

My heart says both roads will take me to my destiny . My mind says taking unknown roads at this point may not be a good idea .. just continue walking on the same road further...road I know very well...and I m definately going to miss lot of things if I leave this road ...

I ve thought over this again and again ..and whole night yesterday ...and at last have decided on listening to my heart. I think reaching a destination is not important ,but the journey is.Only when my heart is with me , will I enjoy the journey.

Not everyone gets new paths to take ...and when I have one ( or two )I should take it ( one of them ) . My heart has yet not told me which new path should i choose ...but now that I m going with the heart, I feel light ..still strong from inside.

What would you do if you had to choose between heart and mind ...?

2006-07-23T14:14:00.000+09:00

Me , Myself

I ve been thinking about a new post for last few days ... but somehow couldnt pull myself into doing that .... Not that I went into some kind of gloomy moods ...or was hibernating. Major obstacle for my creative ( !!! need not be in a positive meaning ) mind and blog is that I have no access to the net whenever i want . So you see, my thought flows can not be put down as and when i feel like . I m sure you all agree that some thoughts need to be expressed as and when they cross us.

Anyways to be frank there were no major cretivities in last few weeks which you have missed because i couldnt get into net often . Infact life was a bit too monotonous. I never got up before 7.30 morning, and never missed keeping the alarm at 6.30 . Inspite of getting up so late, i wasted one hour everyday in making myself fresh tea , driniking it araam se . I had time to feed my cats and fish. Then i realised suddenly at 8.20 , that my hospital working time starts at 8.30 , so i had to rush to take bath in 5 minutes, had to eat my breakfast in 3 minutes. Thanks to my new Activa, i can reach hospital in another 5 minutes. Most of the days i reached hospital + or - 5 minutes to 8.45 am. Not bad at all ......

Then I sat and saw the patients from 9 to 12.30 or so , with some breaks for tea, water etc. Then i went back to my place , heat some food and eat which were kept in the refrigerator on the previous day, and take a nap for ten minutes. I went back ... and did nothing much in the afternoons eventhough i could do lot of things... and come back in the evening at 6 or so . Im really surprised thinking how did i spent my evenings. I didnt do anything ..???? oh no ... Had been to udupi on so many evenings , for a movie 'Fanaah ' once, then for some shoppings , dinner, railway station to see off one of my sweet friend and yes, I went to my favourite end point on one evening. Other evenings i spent talking on the phone , reading a novel by John Grisham, called The Rain Maker. Good one . Interesting story of a struggling law graduate.

In between my schedule, I kept thinking about posting a new post . The PC in the hospital is being overused nowadays, thanks to orkut. My collegues in the hospital seem to be addicted to orkut. But it s not that i never got to use it . As i told earlier, I was just lost , doing everyday same things , getting mechanical . So I have decided I need a brake !!!! So I ve decided to blog more often , read more blogs, and roam around more in my new Activa to brake free from the routine. one more thing I want to do is to learn something new .... but I dont know what i want to learn new ... may be Yoga...or cooking ... something interesting , makes me get lost in it ...may be meditation ... I m not sure..

Anyways till i decide what am I going to learn to rejunivate and refresh myself , I m sure whoever has read this nonsense blog of mine need to relax. So take care and get yourself ready for more of me soon. Enjoy.

2006-06-20T21:42:00.000+09:00

Manipal in Mansoons

mansoon has hit Manipal atlast ... late by almost a month ...
It s been raining for last few days. To make the dull day a bit brighter, today we decided to take a walk to end point. It has been a long time i went there, may be more than six months.

End point is favourite hangout for most of the manipalites through out the year. I like the place more so during the rainy seasons. One can see green, green and green in all directions. Malpe beach is more than 10 kms from here, but you can have an unobstructed view of the sunset at horizon with all the clouds and colors from this high point. On a rainy day if you are lucky , you can get to see rainbows too. And if it s dark , watching the starry sky in an open space like that is what you should experience once atleast. At night , you can see Kaup light house also , which is more than 25 kms.

okay , to tell it shortly,this place is nature as it is , natural .

As we were walking towards end point , which takes around 15 minutes from the centre of manipal , i was getting high with my memories linked to end point. This was the road ,where i went everyday for a walk few years back with my friend .. sat and talked for hours together till dark ... we talked about everything including movies, love versus arranged marriages... aquarium , dogs and cats , so on sharing our views ...and realised slowly that we could share everything forever and friendship turned into a bond of love for lifetime ......and my life become more beautiful .....

hummmmhh...coming to the present .. I started observing things around me . I was glad to see some regular walkers and joggers which includes all kinds of people in manipal, students , teachers, doctors , and patients too. There is this old uncle , who comes with his dog for a walk , who was missing today . May be i m late .... Then i see this lady who comes with her husband , who has been operated for brain tumor , and since then has difficulty for mental functions. My neighbour who is a student , with his girlfriend , sitting on a bench romancing .... Some cars parked on road side , playing dish-chaka-dish music ....

we walked nearer to the dead end of end point . From here we could see the sloping hill , and river Swarna . One can walk down here to the river ( around 2 kms) for a trek , and enjoy the boat riding . Lord Ganesha temple at foothills adds to the beauty of the place .

If you have been to manipal , and not been to end point , you have missed the essence of manipal , unpolluted unspoilt nature till now. So if you havent been here, next time you visit Manipal , be sure to enjoy this place .Welcome to Manipal, welcome to End point.