Sep 28, 2006

Heart says so begining

Last few weeks have been a bit lazy also busy at the same time. Lazy because I really did nothing much ..otherthan routine hospital work . Busy because I still dint have enough time to post in my blog , check my mail or orkut ( which is blocked anyways in our hospital server for long time now !!!! ) or did nt do lot of other things which have to be done before I get my relieving order from here… yes … after having made up my mind to go with what my heart says , I finally put my resignation papers . And now all set to go from here (Yet to clean up my chamber, cup boards, and throw away some things, give away some things, ...) , I ve been busy making a list of things to do before leaving …..people whom I want to meet and say Bye …. Things to be sorted out …etc etc etc …..

It s tough leaving a place where you feel at home and feel comfortable. More over, after growing up in a small village and town , and staying in manipal for last few years which is also a very beautiful place to live in , the feeling of shifting to a city like Bangalore, which I feel is overcrowded , and a concrete jungle in most of the parts is not very exciting to me . And the traffic sucks there.

Humhhhh… where will I get to hear birds when I get up in the morning …what will happen to my cute cats waiting for me to get up in the morning and also my returning in the evening to feed them …. How often can I go Home to see my parents and cousins …. Will I ever be confident to take my activa on Bangalore roads ….? Am I doing a mistake by quitting and going for a lesser salary? How will be my new place? I ll miss going home on weekends , my hospital , my professors , colleagues , friends and patients there ….. and my laptop which I have to return tomorrow .. .. What will happen to my blog ? Will I ever post again ? ….Right now my brain is overfilled with questions and doubts on everything…. Where will I be staying in Bangalore ? I have some dislikes towards houses which don’t have trees around.. especially atleast few coconut trees around ….without gardens , well, some pets …. ( May be because at home , we have so many trees, coconut, mango , papaya , sapota … guava, cashew etc , plus 4 wells , 5 dogs, n number of cats , few cows , my mother s garden full of flowering plants …at times some wild animals and birds too …. ) Will I get a peaceful surrounding atleatst to sleep whenever I want to …. ???? Time will answer all of them , soon .

Anyways, otherthan anything, I strongly dislike traffic and extreme cold in winters… ooofffff…. I cant move during winters there . So I staying somewhere near to my hospital in Bangalore should solve the traffic problem to some extent …( still unlike Manipal , reaching hospital in 4 and a half minutes is impossible I guess …. Will have to sacrifice my sleep *@#* … ) …and as far as cold weather is concerned ..I have no idea what I can do other than waiting for summer ..... Why do I have such strong likes or dislikes towards few things ……… Wish I was more adaptive and just adjust … Or may be not adaptive at all and just reject what I don’t want to do and come out of it …( I remember Ajeya s recent post on human nature of adapting for the sake of it . It just is nt our true nature I feel … ) .

However , as it s too early to break my head all those aspects , I m enjoying last few days here….attending farewell parties ,outings with friends etc….. Will miss lot of things , but I m trying to accept that I have to go . I m learning to get ready to face the unknown. Changes are inevitable, good or bad. Hope for better is what excites me to take this new road. Faith in myself is what tells me to go ahead. Rest is not in my hand ( I believe in destiny ……which is beyond human attempts ) As I said earlier , time will answer.

The funniest part of this whole post is , at the end of it I m finding this whole post silly. The thoughts which come across the mind are millions, and only few hundred thoughts are remembered after they fade . And after typing so much, I just don’t want to delete these thoughts. I m really lazy to edit them again ….. I don’t know what you could perceive out of it … To take life as it comes is what I want to do ……That s it …simple… is nt it ???

Sep 8, 2006

A retrospective ...

As a doctor, kind of patients I see everyday are not the same types most other doctors see and treat …. At the same time, not many others get so involved with their patients as do I get to, wantingly or unwantingly... .knowingly or unknowingly ….

For quite sometime, I ve been thinking of putting up a post on some of my day to day hospital life. But didn’t get into right kind of mood to do so.

Having done my specialization in oncology, invariably I face some situations which I would not want to if I was not in this profession. (Am I being too technical …? Or rather too medical..? J Oncology deals with cancer)

As a fresh MBBS graduate I was a lot impressed by one of our professor in Mangalore working in cancer department. When I chose this branch, I was discouraged by many. I was told that I will have to see lot of patients with pain, incurable disease, and deal in desperate conditions. And I thought, I m there or not, the condition remains as it is ….. So why run away, just because I might be unable to see so much of sufferings... So not really knowing what lies ahead, I went ahead. Real picture was as it was told to me...or worse.

I remember I was so taken aback to see all patients in the ward having some cancer….They were in all age groups , youngest was one 10 years old girl ….with ovarian cancer. All types of cancers …Some incurable …counting their days … some on treatment …. It was shocking to me. I was surprised to see my seniors and others in the hospital , who looked indifferent to all this around them … !!!!! how could they be .. ( As undergraduates , in MBBS , we are very little exposed to these kinds of patients. What we see for learning purposes are common diseases, diagnosis and treatment. All patients are sick ,but these kind of really really sick are not taken for teaching/learning purposes. We learn very little about cancer )

Very soon I was demotivated still when I saw regularly people dying in front of me ,due to advanced disease…. especially young patients. At times, they even died due to treatment related side effects …I still remember most of them years after they ve died. Suddenly I was wondering why the hell I chose to be here… Why did I become a doctor at first place...? I was lost, and thought of even leaving the course. Long treatment for months, or at times for years, cost involved, psychological stress patient and family undergoes, social problems arising in these families …. What not …. I just didn’t know how to handle all these.

Slowly I started seeing the other side of this spectrum….

As days passed, I saw many patients treated earlier coming for check ups, who were leading normal life. They had fought cancer and won. And we are fortuned to play a major role in their fight. Many of the cancers can be cured and many more controlled with modern treatments. If not cure, at least their sufferings can be lessened to great extent. And I learnt to treat the patients not only for his/her disease, but as a whole, as a human being, trying to help them to cope with the disease, to let us try our best.

To summarize, working here, I realized that in today s fast lane life, not many get to help others even if they want to. And I m lucky that I get into a profession where making someone feel better is my all time work. Not only that, in this process I have rediscovered myself. The experiences in this place (which I definitely want to post separately sometime) have changed this immature insecure doctor into much more patient, more mature, more open and more caring person , which has helped me not only professionally, but to enhance my personal relations too. I have no regrets for choosing this today …. (Except for I don’t Have an off on Saturday!!!! #$&* life is not fair #***# L )

Sep 3, 2006

Came across this beautiful picture of maravanthe in . Just couldnt resist putting up here .

As I go back to surf the net without getting disturbed ( that s because I m at home for weekend and thank God, my parents dont know orkutting , so the whole of PC , net etc etc are for myself alone ...for unlimited time , And I m just enjoying replying to mails in leisure, reading some kannada blogs too :) ) , You all enjoy a great weekend ... and Dont forget to plan to visit maravanthe soon ... before pralaya .. :)